Fuck Good Vibes Only

 
Just because you become aware of something you need to work on, doesn’t mean the work isn’t confusing and misleading, and perfect and then imperfect. It’s messy. And here is one of the messy ones I’m working through. This one sits really close to my heart – I have a hard time being around people who are in a bad mood. This comes from a childhood where I didn’t feel entirely safe having any personality traits other than emotional perfection. Apply that to thirty-some-odd years of rinse and repeat; and here I am struggling in my own discomfort. I want to make that person feel better, I want that person to be nicer, I want to not feel this visceral reminder that nothing and nobody can be perfect and neither is any moment.

 

The sensation starts in my gut and spreads up into my chest like a black cloud, the way smoke fills up the entire space containing it. I want the discomfort to go away so I come up with excuses in my head as to why the other person is the problem. I’ll feed that story whatever memories and pieces of information I can to justify my feelings. I want them to feel their feelings, but I also don’t want their feelings to touch mine, but the general nature of how human connection works one can’t exist without the other. When I was younger, I would throw up the boundary wall and tell myself they have wronged me in some capacity and justify removing them from my life. Jeesh, the sheer amount of times I said ‘they’re so toxic’ was more than it should have been. But maybe that was a meaningful path going from one extreme pendulum swing to the next. Taking all the shit, to taking none of the shit.  These days, I’m attempting to be more honest with locating the middle path, and that feels wholesome. 

As somebody who has been the person in the bad mood, and the person around the people in a bad mood –  Here are some tips*** that you might find helpful.

 

1. Give yourself permission to set time limits when you see them. Whether it’s a day, a couple of hours or even 10 minutes, make the commitment to yourself and share it with the person. You don’t need to provide a a long-winded reason, those often times lead to saying too much and creating conflict. Simply say “I’ve got 10 minutes for this phone call today’, or ‘I can do lunch, but I’m not able to spend the entire day with you’.
2. Your body is going to have all kinds of sensations. It’s okay to remind yourself, ‘this isn’t forever’, and ‘I am safe’ (provided you are actually safe).  Depending on your own survival response, you might feel the need to flee, you might feel the need to go numb or you might need to get into an argument.  Depending on the person, I have cycled through all of those.  What I like to encourage myself to do is fawn.  Be there with them (not for them), and be there for you.  There is so much we can do for our own healing if we could all practice nestling ourselves into moments of honest connection.  This allows us to practice being in all the vibes of the world, not just the good ones.
3. If the person verbally vomits all over you, and you’re feeling called to offer advice – stop yourself.  Listen to them, and breathe with all the sensations surfacing. If you don’t have the emotional capacity or qualifications to help, just thank them for opening up and being so vulnerable with you. If you do feel like you have insight that might help, ask them. Something I do with my 18 year old son is say, ‘Do you want advice, or do you want to vent’. 9 times out of 10 he just needed to vent. Best part is, the moment somebody says, I just need to vent, you are magically released of this need to fix. You can then step back and listen and breathe. Kind of like a good meditation practice.
4. Notice any stories you start to cycle through in your head regarding their moodiness. Especially if it’s a situation where the person gets quiet and distant. Not really knowing is one of the hardest places to be in. Are they mad at you, are they going to be silent forever, will they ever talk to you ever again? Our (okay my) ability to amplify the moment into the rest of time is spectacular. I wish it was an olympic sport, I’m certain I’d get gold. On a more seriously note, silence can be a terrifying place for fixers or people-pleasers. If we don’t know how to remain steady in our own discomfort, we tell ourselves we are helping them, but what we’re really doing is attempting to manipulate and control the situation, and therefore the other person.  Go back and re-read that last sentence.  This one took me until my mid-thirties to become aware of – I’ll likely still struggle with this for the rest of my life.  But I’m aware, and trying to change a lifetime of odd behaviours collected like a hoarder is plain tough.  How many relationships could have had a different ending had I known this sooner?  These days, I breathe and remind myself that this is just extreme, agonizing, world stopping discomfort. Then I remove the descriptive words, and leave it as, this is discomfort. 
5. Give the other person your trust that they’ll get through this moment because you believe that they are capable and strong.  When I look back at all the times in my life where I personally cycled through a darker time, I tended to avoid people who expressed worry for me.  In those moments I felt misunderstood and then I spent more time putting on a happy face or being dishonest about how I’m actually doing.  Nobody needs your pitty or the weight of carrying around your worry on top of their own.  If you give them anything, give them your trust. Believe in them.  Because the truth of it is that they are strong enough to work through this moment or period in life.  
6. Okay, this last one is if YOU are in a crummy mood, or even feeling a little blue. Don’t hide from people. Show up, be bitchy (but not mean), call that friend to vent (maybe ask them if they have the time/capacity first), and don’t be afraid of being honest yourself. We can’t encourage others to be real if we ourselves are holding back.

Here is my vow to you.  I solemly-swear to be more aware of all the ways in which I seek good vibes only…  

…. I vow to show up as an honest story teller.  My only hope is that it gives you permission to do the same.  Fuck good vibes only, let’s get honest instead.

 

*Please keep in mind that these tips should never replace the advice provided by a mental health practitioner. If you need real advice, I highly recommend talk therapy. And I don’t mean your girlfriends over a bottle of wine, but somebody who is genuinely going to give you a mirror and help you work through challenges specific to your needs.  If you are in need of a good one, reach out to me and I can share a list of amazing counsellors here in the Victoria area.